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6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will Tank

Submitted by on Thursday, 23 October 200852 Comments

TRU Main 6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will TankSince lists appear to be all the rage recently, I would like to put in my two cents about Tomb Raider Underworld.

The Story (Part 1)

If the trailers released so far are any indication this one is going to be a doozy.

Lara appears to be unceremoniously pissed as she blows up her mansion (oooh she’s dark). She then goes on babbling about getting Thor’s belt to get Thor’s hammer to kill a god. Apparently her quest could bring the end of the world and she couldn’t care less. Did I say that Lara is dark?

At the end of the latest trailer Lara appears to be very distressed as she says “o noes”, which is followed by a female voice saying “I’m very pleased to see you again, Lara”…

Who could this mystery woman be? A long lost lover, disgruntled employee, her mother, her mother’s lover, her mother’s disgruntled employee’s lover, Lara’s stem celled clone? At this point it could be any of them.

TRU Title 6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will TankThe Title

Tomb Raider Underworld reminds me of the movie of the same name and actually makes me want to watch it again (or the crappy sequel) instead of getting me excited or intrigued for this game. What does Underworld has to do with the story revealed so far anyway? Nothing. Maybe they picked it out of a hat full of copyrighted Tomb Raider names.

Runner ups: Tomb Raider Milking The Cash Cow, Tomb Raider The Quest For More Money, Tomb Raider Lara’s Bogus Journey, Tomb Raider Beating The Already Beaten Dead Horse and Tomb Raider Big Boobs And Skimpy Outfits


TRU Story Part 2 6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will TankThe Story (Part 2…it’s gonna be epic yo!)

When I see a trailer for Tomb Raider’s story and I hear the word epic being blasted in rapid fire (3 times in 37 seconds) I listen. I listen loud and clear. This story is going to suck. Epically. Enough with the hype and the marketing jargon. If the game is any good we will do that for you. Perhaps they are in (epic) damage control already. If they realized that this latest (epic) game has really nothing (epic) to bring to the table, at least they can hype the (epic) crap out of it.

Epic.

TRU Locations 6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will TankThe Locations

For 500 points, what do Thailand, Mexico and the Mediterranean have in common? Why Norse mythology of course! Wait…what? Even Valhalla and Helgardh may be thrown in for good measure.

I understand that diverse and exotic locations are a Tomb Raider must, but even for a gamer new to the franchise the locations revealed so far seem a little too far-fetched. I hope Crystal Dynamics has devised a clever way to tie them together. In the off chance that they are stumped, go ahead and give some suggestions in the comments. We’ll do our best to pass them on.

TRU Gameplay 6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will TankThe Gameplay Enhancements (or lack thereof)

Let’s talk motion capture. For the first time, Olympic calibre gymnast has been motion captured for Lara’s movements. Actually, this is the first time motion capture has been used for a Tomb Raider game. What does this milestone mean for gameplay? An unnecessary somersault, headstands, pirouettes, front and back flips thrown in liberally where they were not really needed.

Another “revolutionary” enhancement is the ability to shoot while grabbing on to a pillar, ledge or balance beam. Thank god for the power of the PS3 to finally pull that one off.

Also thanks to the next generation powerhouse systems Lara can balance walk not only in thin beams but also on poles. Poles! This never before gameplay element is actually boasted by one of the developers (Beneath the Surface 3 – What Can Lara Do? at the one minute mark); I kid you not.

TRU Story 3 6 Reasons Why Tomb Raider Underworld Will TankThe Story (Part 3)

Let’s see now, what else can I ridicule? It’s just so easy. Take it away Lara:

“I need Thor’s belt to get his hammer and I need the hammer to kill a god”

“Kill a god”? I am sorry to inform you Lady Croft that a chap by the name Kratos has beaten you to the proverbial punch. You see there was this game called God of War, surely you have heard of it, in which Kratos ultimately killed a little god named Ares. Which one will you kill?

Perhaps if she goes back to look for ancient relics or something… oh wait, Uncharted did that in a convincing manner not too long ago. Oh boy, now I get why this story seems to jump the shark at every turn. Tomb Raider was already done in HD for the PS3, but at that time Lara Croft had a penis and went by the name Nathan Drake.

Final Thought

One trailer goes on to say “Some ruins should never be discovered”. I say “Some games should never be made”. Is Tomb Raider Underworld such a game? In the end only you can decide by casting your vote the only way it will be heard: with money.

Well, there you have it. 6 reasons why I think tomb Raider Underworld will tank (epically). Do you agree? Do you disagree? State your case in the comments; I can’t wait to hear from you.