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G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra site launches; trailer hints at shoddiness

Submitted by on Wednesday, 15 April 20093 Comments

GI JOE Check your calendar.

With a new Transformers movie about to blow up everything it can get its hands on soon and G.I. JOE about to make his inaugural jump to the silver-screen in the fall, you’d be forgiven for believing it’s the 1980s and Hollywood has gone and answered your little prepubescent dreams, turning all your favourite cartoons into big budget movie blockbusters.

Welcome back. It’s actually 2009 but those visions you just had of spinning metal, deep baritone voiced robots and “an elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. JOE” were not the consequences of too many beers in college and falling on your head. These films actually exist.

And where there’s a film pandering to grown men’s childhood fantasies, you can bet a game tie-in is also in on its way.

Frequent visitors to will already have noticed, but for those of you that don’t lurk around publishers’ sites (which we’re assuming is 99% of you), a new G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra (giving it its full title) sub-section has opened up today heralding some new information about the upcoming game-of-the-movie-of-the-cartoon.

Other than a handful of screens and a trailer, the site is distinctly bare at the moment but at least we get an early glimpse of what EA have in store for us in terms of the game’s visual style. We’re going to throw something right out and state that the images instantly smack of Warhawk – if Warhawk had a large number of its polygons removed.

Unfortunately it doesn’t get any better when the trailer attacks your eyeballs. The footage shows the game in free-flow and we have to say, even for a shameless movie tie-in property, it looks pretty horrible. The only good thing we can find with the trailer is that it has Mr. Voice delivering a hackneyed “In a land where heroes are born in the wilds of insanity …” type speech over the trite and shoddy game-play. Maybe we’re showing our age but such nonsense is always good for a giggle.

Other that the new media, the site serves up little else. You can pre-order the game online, however. Which is nice – if we knew something more about it and felt like parting with our hard-earned cash on a suspect movie licence with graphics that look like something the PS2 could churn out with a little coaxing.  Then again, the game is coming to the PS2 and PSP so maybe the footage is not from a next-gen console. It would be a pretty stupid thing to do though, so we’re going to stick with our “the game looks bad pretty on every platform” theory.

Then again, are we taking this all too seriously? In the battle for 1980s cartoon superiority, Transformers pretty much beat the living tar out of G.I. JOE in every single category. So, even if the game is a stellar example of gaming ingenuity (and it really looks like it’s not) – do we even care about G.I. JOE – at all?

Of course, it could be worse. (Advance warning: link contains bad language)