Beat The Team; PS3 Attitude [PS3A] versus Kamikaze Kittens [K*K]
We haven’t done one of these in a long time. The very first ‘Beat The Team’ column debuted about six months ago to highlight our very first Killzone 2 clan match. Back then we scored a perfect 7-0 score, securing our first clan win. Since that glorious evening we built a 2-2 Killzone 2 online record.
Now is the time for a PS3A Killzone comeback. A reboot of the clan if you will. Our first match of the new season was upon us, and the opposing clan was primed and ready to go. Will history repeat itself?
The Game: Killzone 2.
The Stage: a 4-on-4 game in Tharsis Depot.
The Challenge: A clan battle with Kamikaze Kittens [K*K].
The Result: read on…
Standing between us and online console glory were the Kamikaze Kittens, an all-girl clan with a record of no wins, no losses and one draw. We know what you may be thinking right now: “those cheeky bastards are about to beat up a bunch of novice girls and then gloat about it.” Come on, give us a little credit. Read the story before you write a letter of complaint to NOW.
Regular practices had resumed in the house of Attitude. Leaded by DolphGB, the rag-tag army of Ducer15, Segerlind, LCaruana, Majiesto and Danny_D got together to hone their killing skills and predatory tactics as a single cohesive unit. Sadly, our master tactician and number one sniper DolphGB had to bow out of the match. But that was no problem, Killzone 2 powerhouse Segerlind was on call and ready to go.
Game day. After a bewildered Danny_D realized he was playing against girls (the effeminate clan name was lost on him apparently) and the customary pleasantries were exchanged, it was time to kill or be killed. The Kamikaze Kittens; xHeatherx, saiyanangel5, jellyhead26 and KHS_kAzA were HGH. PS3 Attitude; majiesto, Segerlind, Danny_D and Ducer15 were ISA. Our game plan was simple: kill, kill, kill. Win, win, win.
To our collective surprise the first game of the match was Body Count; we were off to collect Kitten blood anyway. Wrong. It was the Kittens who claimed the first kill of the match when Ducer15 was shot by KHS_kAzA. We would take three more deaths until Segerlind retaliated by downing jellyhead26. A precursor of things to come, the Kittens took Bodycount and the lead; 1-0.
Up next was Search and Destroy (HGH defending), and that’s exactly what we wanted to do; destroy the HGH. The Kittens however, had other plans. They had a beautiful array of turrets, shotguns and C4 that seemed tough, yet accessible. Sadly, it was ultimately too much for us to penetrate. Like that time at prom night, we couldn’t get in there no matter how hard we tried. Kittens were up 2-0. Tough girls for sure, but we can do this. We can still win this.
Search and Retrieve, a game that we usually fare well in was next. Time to steal one from the kitties and get our groove back. No dice. The Kittens had the winning game plan once again, thwarting our every run at delivering the package. 3-0 Kittens. We believe that it was at this point when the giggling started. Imagine our surprise. They think they got this in the purse bag. They think we’re done. Big mistake.
This was truly a new experience for us. Cursing, taunting, name calling and even alleged little known facts about our dear mothers have reached our ears over the years and years of online play. Our battle hardened psyche was not ready for giggling. From girls. Who are whooping us. And not in that way we all hope and dream… Well that was the line. We’re men dammit! Although we have our work cut out for us, if we win all four of the remaining events we earn the win and the right to giggle back at them.
Search and Destroy, ISA defending. Our chance to show off our impenetrable phalanx. Problem was that it wasn’t impenetrable, or even a phalanx for that matter. In less than four minutes our objective was up in flames. The giggling intensified. The 4-0 score marked a turning point in the match; where our strategy changed completely: Let’s just win one.
Capture and Hold was the next game in the rotation. With our awesome new strategy being repeated in our heads (“just win one, just win one, dear Jubus let us just win one”), we came out swinging. We promptly secured the station closest to our base, Kitties claimed the center. We managed to sneak close to their base and steal the third station; all we needed to do was hold the forts. No dice. Kittens never let the center station out of their paws and managed to retake the one close to them. The score was 5-0 Kittens, the situation looked dire and the giggling continued.
Two games remain, and they both rhyme with ‘brutal retaliation’. That’s right, Assassitation is next. Ducer15 wore the big ‘shoot me’ sign on our team and we all swore to protect his European keister no matter what. That turned out to be a suicide pact as the whole PS3A team was dead in less than a minute. Ducer15 found the sweet relief of death by the paws of jellyhead26 who also took out Segerlind with one well placed grenade. Did I mention the giggling?
By now we were fur shell shocked. We didn’t underestimated the double K crew for one second (no, not that crew) but we never thought we would be in this much trouble. 6- 0 Kittens, but there was no way they would escape our clutches. It was time to put those nine lives to the test. Saiyanangel5 was our target and we would not be denied! The Kittens took defensive positions and the Attitude onslaught began. At long last, after a vicious assault, Danny_D hunted and killed in cold blood the target kitty. Although he was killed right after that, the deed had been done.
Or so we thought. Not only did KHS_kAzA killed PS3A’s assassin, she gave the downed angel a new lease on life. She revived her ok!? Saiyanangel5 lived a long and prosperous life to put the final nail on PS3A’s coffin. We think you may have underestimated the giggling. A perfect 7-0 on their first Killzone 2 clan match. Just like our first match. Ironic.
We would like to congratulate the Kamikaze Kittens on a great match. WellEven though we lost (badly) we had a lot of fun and shared some giggles too. There are unconfirmed reports of a PS3A clan member crying in post-game lobby. Hey, you weren’t there. Maybe there was a mic malfunction or something. Kamikaze Kittens clan manager AlexLowenhart had this to say about their first official clan match:
I’m very pleased and proud what the girls have achieved. Also the sportsmanship of both teams has a great value to me.
Sportsmanship was about the only thing we had to offer the Kittens that day we’re afraid. KHS_kAzA, better known for raining in our assassination parade, had some kind words to soothe our pain:
Thanks for the game XD you guys gave us a run for our money on S&D, didn’t think we could keep it on! Hope to play again.
This is but the first battle of the war dear Kittens, and you can bet your collective tails that we’ll be back to avenge the loss and reclaim our pride. We will play again kAzA, someone has a score to settle with you. xHeatherx, the #1 ranked player of the match, was probably thinking of another match when she said:
It was fun playing with the guys from PS3atti..They did really well. I’ll look forward to playing them again in the future.
You are too kind xHeatherx, we are not worthy. Saiyanangel5, a.k.a. why won’t you just stay dead, tells the tale of the match in 30 words or less:
It was a fun clan match with lots of teamwork from K*K, where the defence was strong and crucial with a small map like Tharsis D.
Jellyhead26, a.k.a. Ducer15’s executioner, had a great time making us look bad:
We had really good fun playing you guys for our first match and would recommend PS3 Attitude to others.
You read that right, we are Kamikaze Kittens approved. We are honored, and we would like to recommend them as well. The Kamikaze Kittens are full of class and free of shenanigans of any sort (except for the giggling which kinda grows on you). If your clan wants a tough opponent that’s not afraid to laugh playfully giggle at you when you’re down, give the Kittens a call. But be warned, you may be telling this story after the fur settles.
If you want to know what the Kamikaze Kittens are up to next (hopefully to decimate another clan so we’re not the only victims), you can follow them on Twitter. They live-tweeted our clan match, so maybe you can expect up to the minute updates of future ass whoopings too. Keep an eye on this group of deadly ladies, we have every confidence that they will be a force to reckoned with in the Killzone universe. After all, they did beat us and that is no small feat. No, seriously, stop giggling.
You can watch a full replay of the match via Killzone .com, but we will have absolutely no teasing and/or giggling in the comments section. Well, maybe a little teasing but absolutely no more giggling. As you can see, we were brilliantly outmatched and we need to go back to the drawing board to avoid this kind of outcome in the future. Me-ouch.