Revealed: Why The PS3go Redesign Was Canceled
October 1st, 2009 marked the worldwide debut of the PSPgo; Sony’s latest PSP redesign with downloadable games and ultra portability in mind. That got me thinking, could the PlayStation 3 ever get the go redesign? Has Sony Computer Entertainment even toyed with the idea? I could hear the creaking sounds of rusty gears as they moved for the first time in months inside my head.
I had to know if Sony’s R&D team had anything solid under wraps. I could totally dig something up. Sony is not the most secretive of companies after all. Many months would pass before I had something solid, something credible, something real. After numerous internal Sony documents (obtained thanks to innumerable bribes) led me nowhere I was all but ready to give up.
But then I hit pay dirt. A lone document in an unsecured public FTP site had the answer to all of my questions. The PS3go was indeed under development but it was cancelled before hitting the production line. The answer lay in a ten point feature sheet of an unreleased secret press release.
Let me remind you that the information I am about to divulge didn’t come without a price. In the weeks before today’s release of this article, I lost my good friend Timmy in an unfortunate (and perhaps totally unrelated) gardening accident. He was instrumental in the research and making of this article. Timmy, this one’s for you buddy.
Without further ado, here is the ten point feature list of the PS3go ad verbatim:
- The entire console has been redesigned for ultra-portability in mind. We don’t really know why either. Now you can move your home console from the right side of the TV to the left side of the TV with incredible ease. You can even place it in a regular sized drawer once you realize what a waste of space and money it is.
- 43% (and a half) smaller than the original PS3 and 22% (and a quarter) smaller than the PS3 Slim with no discs to worry about. Say goodbye to your Blu-ray game and movie collection! The removal of the Blu-ray drive means no more pesky Blu-ray discs to handle. Physical media? That is so 2008.
- PS3go premium accessories! To go along with all that smallness and sexiness that is the PS3go, we have developed the most sexy and small PS3 peripherals this side of Lilliput. You may not get to use them properly and pets and young children may swallow them easily; but you will ask yourself how you ever managed to live without a Bluetooth headset the size of a grain of rice.
- Introducing the PS3 minis. Who needs Blu-ray games? The new line of games tailored specifically for the PS3go, dubbed the PS3minis, will keep you entertained for minutes at a time at a reduced price! Prices range from $44.99 to $54.99; quality ranges from E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial to Terminator: Salvation. Fun!
- Relive your movie and TV show collection in a brand new way! There’s nothing more satisfying than buying and renting movies and TV shows that are already part of your DVD or BD collection. They may even look better when bought digitally and displayed on your brand new PS3go. Seriously.
- Be the envy of your friends! While everybody is enjoying the latest and greatest Blu-ray releases like Uncharted 2 and God of War III, you will be busy with the most cutting edge gaming experiences the PS3 minis have to offer:
- Buzz! The Card game
- Gran Turismo: The Real Car Air Freshener Simulator
- NBA ’10: The Inside Bookkeeping
- Final Fantasy XV go: The Text Based Adventure
- Redesigned controller exclusive to the PS3go. The new DualShockgo has a redesigned smaller, sleeker, sexier and almost inoperable layout. Designed for extreme aesthetic pleasure (and nothing else) you will actually need to re-learn and re-think the way you play games. 60 day voucher for top orthopaedic care included (limited one per household, void where prohibited, not valid in Canada).
- The most versatile PS3 yet! The PS3go is leaps and bounds above gaming, movies and TV shows. Thanks to the new smaller form factor it has also performed excellently in internal tests as a the coolest doorstop, paperweight and dust collector. It even performed through the roof as a conversation starter (mostly for mocking and ridicule).
- Already own a PS3 Slim? Compliment it with the brand new PS3go. It can do everything the Slim can and then some! That some is actually less, without the BD drive and the smaller and almost inoperable controller this one is just for show. Underperformance never looked sexier!
- Forget about the last point. It’s new! It’s sexy! Everyone is talking about it! It costs more than a PS3 Slim so it must be better! Go buy one now! Remember that Jesus loves an early adopter.
Amazing. It almost feels like they gave up on the idea the minute they started the feature list. How sad. Well, I for one am completely sold on the idea. Aren’t you? How could you not? I’m ready to go create an online petition for the green lighting of the PS3go.
We have a lot of great PS3 software coming our way, let’s compliment that with another hardware redesign; even if it can’t play all that amazing BD software. Am I the only one blown away with the concept of Gran Turismo: The Real Car Air Freshener Simulator?
PS3go, it only does a little less of everything (for a higher price than a standard PS3).
The above article in its entirety was the product of a very active, yet misguided mind. Timmy is fine – he sends his best regards.