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10 characters we DON’T want to see in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale

Submitted by on Sunday, 3 June 20123 Comments

We’ve heard everyone list their top 10 most likely, most requested, or most wanted PlayStation characters for the upcoming PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. We want to share with you the top 10 characters that we DON’T want to see.

For better or for worse, this list must be made. With E3 looming only hours away we may very well know the entire list of characters once Sony finishes their software-laden press conference. Wouldn’t it be funny if these characters made it into the game?

1. Gaia from God of War

She is the biggest character in all of the God of War games, not just in stature but in the role she plays in the tale of Kratos. She is the mother of Earth, the heavenly gods and the titans. Through incest she was able to create a family of titans. Incest with her frankensteined husband Ouranos. A character as large as Gaia wouldn’t even fit on the screen let alone in any story outside Greek mythology.

2. Zeke from inFamous

[SPOILER ALERT] There are two versions of Zeke, given the two closings to Infamous 2. The one that is a bitch about dying to save the “special” people and do away with the disease, and the one that is a bitch about surviving because his best friend gave his own life for the greater good of mankind. I stand corrected, there is just one version of Zeke, the little bitch.

3. Admiral Orlock from Killzone 3

He is the typical archetype for a military leader; hard headed and ill-tempered. He thinks he can over power anyone who stands in his way. Except he brings a knife to a gun fight and gets owned by the smarter and more equipped Jorhan Brimve Stahl, voiced by the famous Malcolm McDowell. Malcolm was not content with being in the middle.

4. XJ-0461 from Ratchet & Clank

He’s better known as Clank, Ratchet’s tool, no pun intended. He has co-stared in every Ratchet game thus far, eventually getting his own gaming affair in Secret Agent Clank exclusively for PSP. There is a reason Clank never saw another starring role and it isn’t storyline. Clank needs to keep to his laurels and remember his true role – as Ratchet’s helicopter backpack.

5. Jeff from Uncharted 2

He’s a camera man who carries a camera, never a gun. Suddenly he’s shot, then himself carried by Drake for an entire mission against Elena’s wise recommendation to leave him behind. They get caught anyway and Lazaravic executes Jeff on the spot just to make Drake feel stupid. It works.

The most surprising character reveal has to be Fat Princess, considering the cake is a lie

6. Mog the moogle from FFXIII-2

If he were to appear in Battle Royale, we have a feeling that Final Fantasy XIII-2’s Mog the moogle would end up annoying most players. Between his squeaky voice and cutesy appearance, he’s possibly even more annoying than Vanille. He does have the useful ability of transforming into a weapon, but is completely immobile when he does so, and therefore wouldn’t be much use on his own. Sorry, kupo!

The law of Valhalla states that the weak must serve the strong, but Mog is so small that when bested in battle, most warriors didn’t even want him as a minion; at least until Lightning took pity on him.

7. The announcer from Start the Party

If there was a contest for the biggest ass in video game history, this disembodied voice might just take first prize. Saying things to the player with excessive attitude like “Get a bit closer to the screen!” His ability to belittle the person who paid money for the game is unparalleled. Thankfully, a much kinder voice is heard in the sequel Start the Party Save the World!

8. EyePet from EyePet

Terrible fighting game character of the year easily goes to this cuddly lovable little dog-cat-ferby-gremlin thingy. Not only does he not have any fighting game moves other than riding on a pre-schooler’s drawing of a tank, you’d probably need a PS Eye camera plugged in just to select him from the character select screen. Worse than that, every time you command him to jump he just rolls over.

9. Murfy from Rayman

He is the joke slinging fly guy who’s sole purpose is to reintroduce Rayman to his floating hands at the beginning of Rayman 3: Hoodlum Havoc, recently re-released on PSN. He even manages to annoy Rayman who’s so far as to say “I’ve known how to do that my whole life.” Tutorials are rarely enjoyable, but Murfy takes wasting your time very seriously. There is something to be said about a fly that knows everything and is constantly grinning.

10. Sackboy from LBP

Having only a back hand makes him the least likely to succeed at a 4 player brawl facing off against others with ranged weapons. Although, he could end up being the Kirby-esque character where he can change his clothes and take on alternate personas with more moves and weapons. Though, at $1.99 per costume this would make him the least economical character to master.

Now its time to hear your thoughts. Do you agree with the names above? Do you have any characters you would add or remove from this list? Please, let us know in the comments below. We do ask that you keep your comments rated T for Teen.