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5 bosses that should go on a diet

Submitted by on Sunday, 22 July 2012No Comment

It’s once again time for PS3 Attitude to take a flippant look at the world of gaming. This week’s trope is impossibly obese bosses, all of whom could definitely stand to lose a few pounds; or a few stones; or, in one case, a few million tons. We had a fair amount of fat – sorry, big-boned – characters to choose from, but these are the five that made it onto our virtual weighing scales.

Fatman from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

There was no way we could put this list together and not include this guy from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, if only for his name alone. Fatman was Dead Cell’s explosives expert; and when we say expert, we mean it (he constructed an atomic bomb at age 10, from plans he found on the internet… you know, that old chestnut).

He wears a massive suit designed to protect him from bomb blasts, and, along with most other MGS bosses, is extremely arrogant and loves to talk about how awesome he is. Oh, and did we mention he skates around on roller blades? Yes, Hideo Kojima really is a genius.

The Broodmother from Dragon Age: Origins

Where do the darkspawn come from? That’s the big question throughout the story of Dragon Age: Origins, and it isn’t answered until you finally reach the very heart of the infested Deep Roads.

Once female, potential Broodmothers are infected with the darkspawn taint and subsequently suffer horrific mutations, until they eventually develop into the monstrous and massive creatures that give birth to the darkspawn.

Interestingly, the former race of the Broodmother affects the type of darkspawn they produce; humans spawn hurlocks, dwarves spawn genlocks, elves spawn shrieks and Qunari spawn ogres. Eugh!

Krew from Jak II

We can’t say that any of the enemies on this list are lookers, but Naughty Dog clearly designed Krew with a view to making him as physically repulsive as possible, including several pig-like features (although we’re probably insulting pigs there). Krew relies on his hover chair to move around, which may explain why his legs are so thin and gangly.

A crime boss in Jak II’s Haven City, he owns the Hip Hog Heaven Saloon, and serves as one of Jak and Daxter’s contacts, until they eventually come to blows near the end of the game. During the fight, Krew creates dozens of clones of himself; a thought that still makes us feel queasy.

King Minos from Dante’s Inferno

In Greek mythology, Minos was the king of Crete who ordered seven boys and seven girls to be sacrificed to the Minotaur he had imprisoned in a labyrinth. Upon his death at the hands of the craftsman Daedalus, Minos became the underworld’s judge of the dead, as demanded by Hades.

His massive size in Dante’s Inferno is presumably a physical manifestation of his tyranny and lust for power. Well, either that or all-you-can-eat buffets are commonplace in hell. As for the metaphorical purpose of his tentacles, your guess is as good as ours; perhaps it was a seafood buffet.

Wyzen from Asura’s Wrath

The other bosses here are big, but they haven’t got anything on Wyzen from beat ‘em up and quick time event generator, Asura’s Wrath.

Wyzen is one of the Seven Deities responsible for the protection of Earth. As such, he possesses immortality and immense strength, which makes him a pretty interesting boss for a videogame. And as if that wasn’t enough, in his most powerful form (known as Gongen Wyzen), he can transform into the size of a planet.

The good news is that he only has one attack as Gongen Wyzen; the bad news is that it involves crushing Asura with one of his gigantic fingers. It’s convenient that Asura is a god too, otherwise he really wouldn’t stand a chance.

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