With the dazzling opening ceremony last Friday, there was only one theme we could choose for this week’s article: the Olympics! Specifically, we’ve been discussing some of the biggest heroes on PS3, and which sports they would dominate in at the London Games. It’s fair to say that Bradley Wiggins, Michael Phelps, and Usain Bolt et al would have nothing on these guys.

Chris Redfield from Resident Evil

Sport: Weightlifting

Whenever Resident Evil’s Chris Redfield is on-screen, his arms take up about half of the shot, so his potential Olympic sport should be obvious; weightlifting.

Seriously, just look at the size of those guns. We can only assume that Chris’s training regime involves lifting Claire Redfield and Jill Valentine with one hand, and Excella Gionne and Sheva Alomar with the other. Well, either that or he’s taking some serious steroids, in which case he’d be in breach of the Olympic oath. Shame on you, Chris!

Kat from Gravity Rush

Sport: Diving

There’s nothing worse for a professional diver than executing a perfect ‘backward 2.5 somersaults with 2.5 twists in the piked position’ (the most difficult dive in the world), only to be greeted with an enormous splash as you enter the water.

However, with her gravity-shifting superpowers, that definitely wouldn’t be a problem for Kat, the protagonist of PS Vita title Gravity Rush. This power to float in midair means that she never has to worry about belly-flops; sure, it’s cheating, but we won’t tell if you don’t.

Lara Croft from Tomb Raider

Sport: Gymnastics

Ah, the hours we’ve lost to the Tomb Raider series over the years. Not playing the games, you understand; just repeatedly tapping the circle button and simply watching Lara perform some truly extraordinary acrobatics, no matter what kind of peril she finds herself in.

Lara’s training gym, which is featured in the vast majority of Tomb Raider games, obviously gets a lot of use. Indeed, when you can perform somersaults on the edge of a snow-covered cliff, it’s clear nerves definitely aren’t an issue, so the Olympics should be a piece of cake!

Max Payne

Sport: Shooting

In the Olympics’ shooting range, we have a feeling that the ability to slow down time in order to line up ideal shot after ideal shot would come in very handy indeed; although, admittedly, we can’t think of many circumstances where slowing down time wouldn’t come in handy.

It’s true that we certainly would’ve died a lot more times in Max Payne 3 without it. Thankfully, in this case Payne’s Olympic competitors wouldn’t actually be shooting at him, so an Olympic gold should be an insultingly simply task… now if only he could pass the drug test.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Sport: Marathon

Everyone knows Sonic runs fast, but why did we choose the marathon instead of a sprint? Simple; he can run for ages. In fact, he only stops if he hits an enemy or other obstacle, so as long as there are no spikes or robots placed along the track, he should be fine.

Although, come to think of it, we’re not even sure if hedgehogs are eligible to enter the Olympic Games in the first place, but we have to admit that the answer is probably no. Pfft, the IOC really should sort out their priorities.

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